The Kalgoolie Liberation Front

Succession plans are in the air this week. Will Tibet manage to sneak away from China while everyone is concentrating on the Olympics? Will
Burma succeed from the Alice in Wonderland existence it currently lives in and join the civilised world? And most importantly of all, will
Carlton's plans to dominate AFL over the next 10 years come to fruition.

Some plans have to be spoken of in more careful tones. The world is listening you know. Some computer buried deep inside a mountain in
Colorado is about to be triggered because I've used the words military takeover in a blog. You ask me why I'd do this if I know it's been monitored. I'd like to say that I'm pushing the boundaries of liberty. But the truth is, I'm
just desperate for more readers and the CIA will do. How's it going
guys? Have you found Osama yet?

Actually, if the CIA are reading this, I'd like to ask them a question.
When did conspiracy become a crime? When did two people just thinking
about something, become worthy of ten years in Federal Prison? A friend
of mine and myself use to plan the overthrow of the Irish Government and
the establishment of a 32 County Marxist Republic whenever we got drunk.
Little did we know that we were breaking several laws in countries that make
up the coalition of righteousness in the global war on terror.

But risk be damned, I'm going to launch a conspiracy anyway. There is
one great separation movement yet to be born. I call out to all free men
(and free women if they can take a break from running the world) to join
me in this great struggle for life, liberty and the pursuit of material
gain. Together we can strike at the imperial heart of colonialism and
raise the flag of freedom above this parched and tortured land.

I present to you the Kalgoolie Liberation Front (Maoist wing). Join this
week and you get a free beret.

Let me try to explain the indignity and injustice that the good people
of Kalgoolie have had to ensure. There are 150 seats in the Australian
lower house. 149 of these are split between two thirds of the country.
The other one third of the land mass only gets one MP. You might think
this a little unfair until you realise that Kalgoolie only has 80,000
residents, despite covering 2.3m square kms.

It's basically Western Australia minus Perth. Stretching from the
Southern Ocean to the Indonesian straits with the Indian Ocean nestling
to the West. A land of desert and baking all year round sun. You'd
wonder how it can attract even 80,000 souls until you realise that what
lies below the desert is what counts.

Kalgoolie sits on a treasure chest of natural resources that are
the envy of the Industrial World. There is more gold than you could fit
on a rappers chest. More Iron Ore than you'd need to fill Shane
McGowan's teeth, more diamonds than would fit in Victoria Beckham's
belly button and more Uranium than Iran would ever need if was doing
what the yanks claim it is doing.

But the Kalgoolie Liberation Front won't mention any of this. We won't
mention the fact that succession will result in us becoming the third
richest country in the world by capita, or that cleaners can earn the
salaries of Wall Street Accountants in the mines of our fair land. Like
all good liberation movements, we'll play on the softer, more altruistic
reasons for our struggle. We don't want the world to turn against us when
we're fighting against the tyrants in Canberra (although the offer of
cheap Uranium should keep most of the world happy). We'll play on our
concerns for the local indigenous people whose lands we will continue
raping after we take over. We'll play on the lack of democracy and that
our one representative in Canberra is finding it difficult to arrange
parish hall clinics each weekend, given that his constituency is about
the size of Europe.

We do of course have the problem of Perth. This leeching excuse for a
City will become even more isolated once we obtain our independence. It
is already pretty isolated to be honest, perched as it is on the West
Coast of Australia. Once you leave the City boundaries, you'll drive
2,000 miles before you come to the next Krispy Kreme donut shop and
that's just not civilised.

The City appears to exist purely to profit from the resource boom of our
fair land of Kalgoolie. Which is why it is the favorite destination for
English and White South African settlers. They have a long history of
profiting from the labour of others. They will of course want to join us
in our independence struggle but we must fight this at all cost. That would
reduce our share of the pie substantially and would risk them wanting
to run things in the future. Democracy has failed Kalgoolie up till now.
Why would want to risk it in the future?

So our first task must be to build a strong border around the perimeter
of Perth and guard it with our lives. Or at least the lives of the
Kalgoolians we will conscript into our army. With a bit of luck, most of
them will be killed and we'll be left with just enough people to run the
mines and ourselves. We'll run the country from our embassy in
Melbourne, because it gets a bit hot in the homeland to be honest.

So come join the fight. As George Bush would say, you're either with us or
against us. Although it's fair to say that in this context there is also
the chance that you've never heard of us. We plan to strike during the
Olympics when the eyes of the world are on separatism in Tibet. And if
the CIA are listening, can we buy all our guns from you like Al Qaeda
did?