They say that Guinness doesn’t travel well and therefore the best you’ll get is in in the brewery in Dublin. And there is something to be said for being able to smell the hops and barley while enjoying a tasty ale.
I got a taste for it in my teens. My Dad worked in a brewery and each Christmas, he would take me there to a check all the pipes and tanks. We’d end up in the tasting room where I was introduced to the delights of lager and learned how to make up excuses for being late for dinner and the Christmas one in particular.
Over the years I’ve dipped into a few other breweries. You have to do the tour first and pretend you are interested in the different techniques for making ales and stouts. But actually people are only interested in the free beer at the end. And the quicker you can get there the better. The Guinness warehouse is Ireland’s biggest tourist attraction because it has a lift that takes you straight to the bar on the top floor.
So when I went to Perth last weekend, I made it a point to visit the Little Creatures brewery. Their Pale Ale is one of my favourite tipples and I was delighted to see that they don’t bother with a tour but just let you drink their products while gazing at the Indian Ocean that laps against the back wall.
The other thing I like about Perth is that the standard drink size is a pint. You can get that size in most pubs in Australia but you sound like Barney from the Simpsons if you ask for one. They say Perth is the most popular destination in Australia for English emigrants looking for a new life and maybe the pint glass reminds them of home. Apparently there are entire suburbs full of people walking bulldogs and drinking warm beer.
The city centre looks the same as any other Australian city, full of chain stores and surly young teenagers. But English accents were everywhere. Banks had posters advising you on how to transfer your UK pension, pubs argued about which was the oldest English style tavern in Western Australia and roast beef and Yorkshire pudding was as common as kebabs are in the rest of this country.
I went to a cafe at 10.30am on Sunday morning and was told that only the “Big Breakfast” was available from their morning menu. They had thoughtfully included a picture, which made it clear that the big adjective wasn’t an exaggeration. It contained so much fried food that my arteries were hardening just looking at it.
So I decided to be healthy and ordered a pie. Perth was the only state capital I hadn’t visited before last weekend and comparing pies across Australia is one of my favourite pastimes. I was asked if I wanted chips with it and a quick look around the café informed me that I’d be out of place if I didn’t. But the waitress wasn’t finished with her upselling. She leaned closer, possibly making a judgement on my ample belly. “Would you like peas and gravy with that?”
I could have been in Barnsley, if it wasn’t for the sunshine outside and lack of tattoos among the general population.
Just down the road from Perth is the historical port of Fremantle. As we neared the coast I realised that I’d seen every ocean in the world except the Indian. All that changed as the train came over a brow and there in front of us was the mighty sea that separates Australia from the east coast of Africa.
That ocean of course delivered lots of convicts to Western Australia and I took myself up to the fine old prison that stands on the hill overlooking the town. It was the last place in Australia to accept convicts and the photos adorning the museum showed hardened Victorian men with bad teeth and steely eyes. Many of them were Irish and I had to admit to a smidgen of pride when I read that the only people to successfully escape from the prison hailed from the Emerald Isle.
They were Fenians, possibly the first underground terrorist group in the world. The ones the English didn’t hang, they sent to Fremantle. That included John Boyle O’Reilly who had a street called after him in my hometown, which we managed to mangle into a one syllable word. He escaped from Australia on an American whaling ship and had the decency to send another boat back from the States to pick up six of his mates.
Strangely the prison seemed proud of its escapees. You couldn’t imagine a bank for example, promoting its best robbers.
I escaped from the prison in time to make it back down the hill to the brewery. The sun was starting to sink into the Indian Ocean and the beer was going down well. Unfortunately time waits for no man and I had to make my way to the airport in the hope that I could make it back to Melbourne. An ash cloud is hovering over Australia and air travel is a precarious activity. Volcanoes have been erupting since the dawn of time and airplanes have been in the air for over one hundred years. But it seems that it is only since that volcano in Iceland, with the unpronounceable name, blew up last year, that air travel has been affected.
Thankfully I got away and made it back to chilly Melbourne in the early hours of Monday morning. Australia is of course a huge country and the temperature had dropped by about ten degrees on the way back.
I’ve now visited all six states and just have the two territories (Northern and Canberra) to go. Neither is famous for breweries or Irish history however. So it might be a while before I get there.
Friday 24 June 2011
Friday 3 June 2011
The Etiquette Guide to Melbourne Trams
Melbourne offers a wide and frequent tram service and the following guide is designed to assist local and overseas visitors. Please observe the following rules and have a pleasant trip.
Hailing a Tram
You will have noticed a recent advertising campaign showing delirious young people waving enthusiastically while sporting jolly smiles. This is to alert you to the fact that you need to let an oncoming tram driver that you wish him to stop. The fact that you are standing in the middle of the road at a tram stop is no indication to him that you are a potential passenger. You may just be enjoying the view or be one of those weird people who note down tram numbers and models. The issue of weird people will be dealt with later.
Seating etiquette
Most of our seating is structured to allow two people into each seat. This is to allow you to travel with your loved ones or to pile up your shopping. If you are using the second seat for shopping storage, please avoid eye contact with all standing passengers who will think you are an inconsiderate buffoon and will be anxious to demonstrate this in their gaze.
If you happen to be sitting beside a complete stranger it is not polite to stare at the inane text messages or facebook postings they are making on their smart phones. It’s pointless and hurtful anyway, as they will usually be typing “stuck on a slow tram beside a guy with hygiene issues”.
If the stranger on the inside gets off at the next stop, you are not to assume that this is related to your hygiene, but we do recommend a swift and discrete sniff of your armpit area. It is polite at this stage to shuffle across to the inner seat which will allow another passenger to easily sit down. However, you are allowed to continue sitting on the outside seat, thus discouraging others from pushing past you. However, in these situations, it is wise to turn up the volume on your Ipod and to stare at the floor. Displaying mannerisms that suggest you are slightly mad would also help.
Weird People
Our trams offer easy access with no turnstiles or necessity to buy a ticket in advance. We depend on your goodwill and honesty in this regard, despite years of experience that tells us that neither of these qualities exist.
Unfortunately, this easy access allows the mentally unstable and simply bewildered to avail of our services for free. If you feel nervous about approaching them, imagine how our plain clothed inspectors feel? We are happy to provide this as a social service but we do recognise that it may have a detrimental effect on our paying guests. We recommend the following behaviour in these situations:
If you are sharing a tram with a homeless person who has not availed of a shower for a week or too, it is inappropriate to run to the other end of the tram holding your nose. However you are allowed to raise your eyebrows in the direction of the first person you make eye contact with and we will not consider you a social snob if you get off at the next stop and hail a taxi.
If the weird person insists on talking loudly to nobody in particular (a practice commonly seen on our showcase 96 route), you should bury your head in your newspaper and feign intense concentration, even if you have turned to the business pages. If the weird person directs his conversation directly to you, you should reply in soothing non confrontational tones. Or pretend that you are from Russia. That usually works.
Talking on Trams
We discourage talking on trams, even when travelling with friends or family. Talking disturbs the ambience for other travellers, who prefer to listen to the grinding noise of tram wheels rounding corners, tinny bass sounds coming from nearby personal music players or the robotic announcements about the next stop. These announcements are purely for entertainment purposes as they are rarely accurate.
We do allow talking in limited situations. Friends and family are allowed to say “This is our stop” and strangers are allowed to mutter one sentence to each other. This can be along the lines of “I wish those people in the middle would move down a bit” or “does this tram go down Bourke St”? These statements and questions should be answered with a nod of the head or a simple yes or no. Under no circumstances is it to be taken as the initiation of a conversation.
Even when you find yourself pressed against a member of the opposite sex on one of our many overcrowded trams, this should not be taken as an invite for social interaction. That’s what the internet is for. We offer many opportunities to look over the shoulder of other passengers as they type emails and text messages. This gives you access to much of their personal information and will allow you to contact them in the comfort of your own home.
Fare Evasion
You may wonder why you are the only fool who validates a ticket when you board one of our trams. We can assure you that the other passengers have already validated their ticket on an earlier tram, even when you have boarded the first one out of the depot. In a limited number of cases, they are fare evaders. Well ok, most of them are fare evaders but we don’t like to talk about it. Most Melbournians have worked out that the frequency of ticket inspections is so low that they can travel for months for free before being caught and forced to pay a fine, which on average will mean that they are in profit.
If you are thick skinned enough to withstand the added humiliation our inspectors will try to impose, then this is a lucrative course of action. If you are of a more delicate nature, we recommend buying a ticket for a longer trip. However, if your journey is just for 3 or 4 stops, why not use the time searching in your wallet for cash so that you give the impression that you are at least planning to buy a ticket. Then check that there are no inspectors standing on the platform before you alight. They can usually be spotted by their lack of neck and 70’s clothing.
Hailing a Tram
You will have noticed a recent advertising campaign showing delirious young people waving enthusiastically while sporting jolly smiles. This is to alert you to the fact that you need to let an oncoming tram driver that you wish him to stop. The fact that you are standing in the middle of the road at a tram stop is no indication to him that you are a potential passenger. You may just be enjoying the view or be one of those weird people who note down tram numbers and models. The issue of weird people will be dealt with later.
Seating etiquette
Most of our seating is structured to allow two people into each seat. This is to allow you to travel with your loved ones or to pile up your shopping. If you are using the second seat for shopping storage, please avoid eye contact with all standing passengers who will think you are an inconsiderate buffoon and will be anxious to demonstrate this in their gaze.
If you happen to be sitting beside a complete stranger it is not polite to stare at the inane text messages or facebook postings they are making on their smart phones. It’s pointless and hurtful anyway, as they will usually be typing “stuck on a slow tram beside a guy with hygiene issues”.
If the stranger on the inside gets off at the next stop, you are not to assume that this is related to your hygiene, but we do recommend a swift and discrete sniff of your armpit area. It is polite at this stage to shuffle across to the inner seat which will allow another passenger to easily sit down. However, you are allowed to continue sitting on the outside seat, thus discouraging others from pushing past you. However, in these situations, it is wise to turn up the volume on your Ipod and to stare at the floor. Displaying mannerisms that suggest you are slightly mad would also help.
Weird People
Our trams offer easy access with no turnstiles or necessity to buy a ticket in advance. We depend on your goodwill and honesty in this regard, despite years of experience that tells us that neither of these qualities exist.
Unfortunately, this easy access allows the mentally unstable and simply bewildered to avail of our services for free. If you feel nervous about approaching them, imagine how our plain clothed inspectors feel? We are happy to provide this as a social service but we do recognise that it may have a detrimental effect on our paying guests. We recommend the following behaviour in these situations:
If you are sharing a tram with a homeless person who has not availed of a shower for a week or too, it is inappropriate to run to the other end of the tram holding your nose. However you are allowed to raise your eyebrows in the direction of the first person you make eye contact with and we will not consider you a social snob if you get off at the next stop and hail a taxi.
If the weird person insists on talking loudly to nobody in particular (a practice commonly seen on our showcase 96 route), you should bury your head in your newspaper and feign intense concentration, even if you have turned to the business pages. If the weird person directs his conversation directly to you, you should reply in soothing non confrontational tones. Or pretend that you are from Russia. That usually works.
Talking on Trams
We discourage talking on trams, even when travelling with friends or family. Talking disturbs the ambience for other travellers, who prefer to listen to the grinding noise of tram wheels rounding corners, tinny bass sounds coming from nearby personal music players or the robotic announcements about the next stop. These announcements are purely for entertainment purposes as they are rarely accurate.
We do allow talking in limited situations. Friends and family are allowed to say “This is our stop” and strangers are allowed to mutter one sentence to each other. This can be along the lines of “I wish those people in the middle would move down a bit” or “does this tram go down Bourke St”? These statements and questions should be answered with a nod of the head or a simple yes or no. Under no circumstances is it to be taken as the initiation of a conversation.
Even when you find yourself pressed against a member of the opposite sex on one of our many overcrowded trams, this should not be taken as an invite for social interaction. That’s what the internet is for. We offer many opportunities to look over the shoulder of other passengers as they type emails and text messages. This gives you access to much of their personal information and will allow you to contact them in the comfort of your own home.
Fare Evasion
You may wonder why you are the only fool who validates a ticket when you board one of our trams. We can assure you that the other passengers have already validated their ticket on an earlier tram, even when you have boarded the first one out of the depot. In a limited number of cases, they are fare evaders. Well ok, most of them are fare evaders but we don’t like to talk about it. Most Melbournians have worked out that the frequency of ticket inspections is so low that they can travel for months for free before being caught and forced to pay a fine, which on average will mean that they are in profit.
If you are thick skinned enough to withstand the added humiliation our inspectors will try to impose, then this is a lucrative course of action. If you are of a more delicate nature, we recommend buying a ticket for a longer trip. However, if your journey is just for 3 or 4 stops, why not use the time searching in your wallet for cash so that you give the impression that you are at least planning to buy a ticket. Then check that there are no inspectors standing on the platform before you alight. They can usually be spotted by their lack of neck and 70’s clothing.
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