What would happen if an Englishman married a French woman? Well, there would be a few arguments over which language to speak so they’d probably settle for a phonetic compromise of the two. The food would obviously be cooked by the French as the English have a short and non illustrious history in the cuisine department.
The Administration of the house would however be left to the Pom as the French would be too emotional to organise anything.
That’s pretty much how Vanuatu has ended up. A marriage of compromise between the English and French that led to the original natives trying to make their own way in the world while taking the best from their colonial ancestors.
There aren’t many examples of the English and French working well together (two world wars notwithstanding) but they tried it in Vanuatu. From 1906 to 1980, the country was run as a joint French and English administration. But like a moody couple, they rarely talked and the result was chaos. There were two Police forces who ended up arresting each other on occasion, two jails and two education systems (the dual school system survives to this day). But Ni-Vans (as the locals are known) are a happy lot and they learned to adapt. They’d steal in the French part of town because if they were caught they’d be guaranteed better food in the French jail. But if they got sick, they’d be wheeled over to the English side of town where the hospital was better.
In 1980, the French and English realised what a stupid idea this was and they handed the keys back to the locals. And the locals seem to be having a party ever since.
It’s hard to describe how happy Vanuatu is. The only time they stop smiling is when they’re laughing. It’s infectious and you end up smiling too. You end up walking around like a lunatic on Prozac saying hello to everyone you meet. It’s like they’ve been let in on God’s big joke. He set the world up so that billions of us would live in a rat race chasing material wealth and Plasma TVs. We depress ourselves in the process and live lives of quiet desperation with our heads bowed to the outside world.
Ni-Vans on the other hand, only want a few pigs and some decent coconuts. And luckily both are in abundance. It’s easy to be patronising about an indigenous culture but I challenge anyone to come to Vanuatu and not have your heart lifted by the sheer joy of the locals.
For example, I went on a mountain bike expedition last Wednesday. It was a vain attempt to show my ageing body that there was life in the old dog yet. I did OK, until I faced a rocky climb with a 1 in 3 inclination and treacherous mud to boot. I dropped the bike into its lowest gear and inched forward with every turn of the wheel an agonising challenge. Suddenly from behind I heard laughter. I looked over my shoulder and saw that an open backed four wheel drive truck was following me up the hill. It seemed to be acting as a makeshift school bus because twelve kids stood in the back in pristine uniforms.
The truck slowed behind me as the kids ran to the front to see a red faced panting Irishman struggle to haul himself up the hill. In unison they howled with laughter and fell around the truck holding their sides and bending over with pain. For a moment I was hurt, my fragile pride dented by a group of nine year olds. Then I saw the joke, a representative of the race that had lorded over them for centuries struggling to make it up a hill, while they sailed by in their Toyota Hilux. I laughed too, happy that I had at least brought some joy to their afternoon.
I’m tempted to say that Ni-Vans have everything they want in coconuts, bananas and bounty from the sea, but of course the Western world has dangled its temptations before them and not surprisingly even the Ni-Vans are taking a nibble. Mobile phones are the most obvious sign of encroachment. Our visit coincided with the launch of Digicel, the first independent mobile phone provider in these islands.
Digicel is of course owned by Irishman Denis O’Brien, a philanthropist and tax dodger who was very low in my estimation until he agreed to pay the salary of the Ireland Football manager. His business model appears to be based on targeting the smaller markets that Vodafone and the 3 Network don’t bother with. He seems to have most of the Caribbean islands wrapped up, so he’s dipping his toes in the warm waters of the South Pacific.
To launch the service on Wednesday, Digicel planned a day of free music and fireworks. The music was reggae which surprised me. Perhaps Denis had a few tapes left over from his Jamaica launch or maybe it’s just the global choice of island people throughout the world. The fireworks were magnificent and exuberant and seemed to fit perfectly with the mood of the island.
But more importantly they had an attractive mobile phone offer. They sold phones for 1,500 Vatu (about $18) on launch day which is about one tenth of the cost of the previous provider. Ni-Vans queued for hours to get their first slice of western consumerism. The police were on hand to ensure that Capitalism’s grubby charade passed off safely.
They came out smiling even more than they normally do, clutching their electronic umbilical cord to the mother ship that is the outside world.
We did a tour of the island of Efate and it doesn’t take long before the outside world disappears. The sealed road finishes at the edge of Port Villa, the island’s only real town and dirt roads lead you to a land of grass skirts and naked children running excitedly to wave to your passing vehicle. Women in Mother Hubbard dresses stand at the roadside selling vegetables that are mud encrusted with lush volcanic soil.
These villages are electricity free, most don’t have running water and the locals are so indigenous they don’t even wear counterfeit premiership football shirts. Yet in every village one grass hut would be designated as a shop by virtue of a red and white sign that said “Top up Digicel Here”. In a country with so little electricity you wondered what they’d do when they first had to recharge their new phone. I’m sure Denis O’Brien has a money making scheme in mind for that too.
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