I've never been into animals. Apart from eating them I hear you say. I think its because animals were never really into me. Maybe they picked up things, but cats have always looked at me like I'm the Pol Pot of the feline world (which secretly I am). Dogs bark when I walk into a room just to let me know that they are in charge and even goldfish turn their back on me every 15 seconds when I look at them.
But when I came to Australia I thought I'd take a bit more interest.
After all, this is a country that boasts animals so weird that you would
have to assume that God took no part in their creation. Instead they
were designed by a committee and a drunk one at that. The duck
billed platypus comes to mind. When you're stuck with a ridiculous
beak, it doesn't help that the committee decided that you should be
nearly blind as well. I guess their reasoning was that this way, the
poor old platypus wouldn't get to see how ugly he is.
I've spent the last year overcoming my fears, donning my khaki shorts
and taking to the bush like David Attenborough. And what is the sum
total of my wildlife investigations? A couple of possums and a single
kangaroo. And I nearly ran him over in my enthusiasm to see him.
Twelve months of searching and I've yet to see a koala, snake,
wombat, shark or even the poor ugly platypus. Before I came here a
friend warned that I should check under the toilet seat every time I
heard the call of nature because he was convinced that the dreaded
red backed spider dwelled there just waiting to bite the bum of
unsuspecting immigrants. But I haven't even seen one of these,
despite spending an inordinate amount of time in the dunny.
So it came as no surprise to me when I read an article recently that
said that the animals here aren't nearly as scary as the tourist
industry would have you believe. I have this theory that Australia
plays on it's reputation of having the most dangerous animals in the
world. If the snakes or spiders don't get you on land, you can always
head for a dip, where the sharks and poisonous jellyfish will be
waiting for you. The truth is less exciting. I've met many Australians
who have neverseen an animal more dangerous than a cat in a bad
mood.
The article was about which animals are most likely to kill you in
Australia. I imagined it might be crocodiles, because I seem to
remember lots of stories about tourists taking a dip in the rivers of
the Northern Territory and finding themselves transformed into the
interior lining of a crocodile skin handbag. Or maybe kangaroos
because they seem to have a predilection for hopping out in front of
cars and causing their drivers to swerve and hit things they weren't
planning to.
But it turns out that horses are the creatures most likely to kill you
here.
Now before you think that the equine population here are equipped
with flick-knives and sub machine guns, I have to report that the
evidence is more prosaic. Most deaths caused by horses are due to
people falling off them, a fact that surprises me not in the least. My
friend Sinead might disagree but why would you climb up on
something two metres tall that likes jumping over hedges? I have
a small confession to make here. I've eaten more horse than I've
ridden, a fact that applies to all animals now that I think of it. So I
think I'm fairly safe from being killed by one of these beasts, unless
I'm answering the call of nature behind a hedge and am too busy
checking for red backed spiders to notice the thundering hooves
approach.
Cows come second in the killer list. A little unfortunate I feel
because bovine animals are a tad docile. Twenty people have
died in the last six years after hitting cows. Before you conjure up
images of an Australian pastime of cow slapping, I should point out
that the unfortunate deceased were driving cars and motorbikes
at the time of their unplanned meeting with the animal. Reports of
the cow's health in these incidents are sketchy.
It reminds me of the time I was sitting in a friend's front room
when word arrived that his brother had been involved in a
traffic accident. His father was dispatched to the hospital and
returned an hour later with his patched up son. We waited
anxiously for news but were all afraid to ask. Eventually, the
mother piped up and enquired, "what happened"? With a
mixture of shame and shock, the injured son looked up and
said, "I came around a corner hit a cow going at 70mph".
There was an embarrassing silence before I said "Jeez, that
was a fast cow". I wasn't invited back.
Dogs are the next most terrifying creatures, although you are
as likely to die from tripping over one as you are from being
attacked by rabid fangs. You have to get down to number four
before getting into the traditionally dangerous animals. On
average, two people are killed each year in Australia by
sharks. About the same number who die from hyperthermia
after swimming in the seas off Ireland.
Back on land, snakes and spiders account for only marginally
more fatalities than Emus', cats and fish. This confirms everything
I've suspected about cats. They are the hand tool of the devil and
should be dealt with accordingly.
So if you are reading this from abroad and are contemplating a
trip here but are nervous about the environment, then fear not.
The wildlife is hard enough to find never mind trying to get close
enough for them to do any damage. You are much more likely to
be hit by a tram in Melbourne, get sunstroke in Queensland or
pick up a dodgy itch in Sydney's Kings Cross. It's a pretty safe
place and my only advice would be to slow down when going round
corners. You never know, but there might be a speeding cow
coming towards you!
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