I’ve been living in Melbourne for just over two years now. Last week while munching on a muffin at work, a thought suddenly struck me. I had clicked on “The Age” website before checking out the Irish Times. That was the first time I’d done that since getting here and I realised that I’d suddenly become a Melbournian. As luck would have it, the Age ran an article on the very same subject by their esteemed journalist, Catherine Deveny.
I’ve taken the liberty of copying her observations and including them in this week’s blog, with my own comments.
YOU know you're from Melbourne if …
- When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture.
I've blocked out every weekend on the slim chance that Carlton make it to the final.
- You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway.
The name of the Melbourne Street directory that is so widely used that people quote their Melway's reference in the way the rest of the world quotes their phone numbers.
- You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound.
Suburbs in the less attractive parts of Melbourne, mainly in the West. I've only been out there once and I'm still checking my pockets.
- You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner.
I celebrate the fact that for the first time in my life, I’m living under a labour government but I've got a VW Golf and have floated the idea of a cleaner as I seem to have gone through the first 43 years of my life assuming that toilets clean themselves.
- You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce.
Guy Rundle is the best political journalist in The Age and I read him, Martin Flanagan and Catherine Deveny every weekend. I thought Guy Pearce died in a strange drug related incident last year, but maybe that was the other Perthinality, Heath Ledger.
- You or someone you know has received a grant.
Lots of them, not to mention the Rudd handouts. I think my favourite was the girl receiving a PhD in March 2008, who had received a substantial grant from Melbourne University to research "The Portrayal of Lesbians in the Victorian Film Industry".
- You refer to rococo furniture as "very Franco Cozzo".
When I was furnishing my apartment, somebody mentioned Franco Cozzo. They said he was an Italian version of IKEA. When I went to see his shop in Brunswick, I realised this would be like comparing the guy who sang "Shut uppa your face" to Abba.
- You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams.
I felt betrayed when I found out that Melbourne wasn’t even the only place in Australia to have them.
- You think the slogan on our licence plates should be "Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else", "Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists" or “Melbourne What School Did You Go To?"
I think it should be “We’re a well balanced people; we have a chip on both shoulders”.
- You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi.
Ron is a Carlton hero. I won’t have a bad word said about him. Moustaches are for men with porn film ambitions.
- You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot.
Puffing Billy is an old steam train and I’ve only seen it from the saddle of my bike while climbing a steep hill. And yes, I nearly fell off while waving like an idiot.
- You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.
Jeff Kennett is the last conservative Premier of Victoria and now runs beyondblue, a charity aimed at people with depression. Which from my experience is anyone who has lived under a conservative government.
- You've been to the Royal Melbourne Show and the scariest ride is the train home.
Melbournians like getting dressed up, as though they are going to a wedding, head out to a large field at the edge of town for a Horse race or the Royal Melbourne Show and get trashed. I’ve had great fun sitting in Young and Jacksons bar and watching them pile out of Flinders Streetstation on the way home.
- When you hear the word ''Bougainville'' you think of Northland.
Bogans are to Australia as skangers are to Ireland and chavs are to the English. Northland is a strange shopping centre in a part of the city where Alsatians go around in pairs.
- You don't judge people on their looks, wealth or status but on the bread they buy, the coffee they serve and the newspaper they read.
I read “The Age”. If I see somebody reading “The Herald Sun”, I assume they are a little further down the evolutionary tree from the rest of us. Like at root level.
- You pretend the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry doesn't exist. Which it doesn't. Because Sydney doesn't care. And that really shits you.
Having a sister that lives in Sydney doesn’t help. But I say this without bias. Melbourne has better weather, cafes, culture and sport than Sydney. And we had the Olympics first.
- If a friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your first question is, ''Who do they barrack for?''
To put this statement in context, I arrived in Melbourne on a Friday evening back in July 2007 and checked into a hotel. The receptionist asked me “Who do you barrack for” and I’ve probably been asked this question more often than I’ve been asked my name. Barrack is the Australian word for “support” by the way, which is why we’re all so fond of Obama.
- Cup Day. Gambling at 9am. Drunk by noon. Broke at 3.20pm. Asleep by 4pm. Hungover at 5pm. All while at work.
The Melbourne Cup. The only day of the year when Australians drink more than Irish backpackers.
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