Melbourne offers a wide and frequent tram service and the following guide is designed to assist local and overseas visitors. Please observe the following rules and have a pleasant trip.
Hailing a Tram
You will have noticed a recent advertising campaign showing delirious young people waving enthusiastically while sporting jolly smiles. This is to alert you to the fact that you need to let an oncoming tram driver that you wish him to stop. The fact that you are standing in the middle of the road at a tram stop is no indication to him that you are a potential passenger. You may just be enjoying the view or be one of those weird people who note down tram numbers and models. The issue of weird people will be dealt with later.
Seating etiquette
Most of our seating is structured to allow two people into each seat. This is to allow you to travel with your loved ones or to pile up your shopping. If you are using the second seat for shopping storage, please avoid eye contact with all standing passengers who will think you are an inconsiderate buffoon and will be anxious to demonstrate this in their gaze.
If you happen to be sitting beside a complete stranger it is not polite to stare at the inane text messages or facebook postings they are making on their smart phones. It’s pointless and hurtful anyway, as they will usually be typing “stuck on a slow tram beside a guy with hygiene issues”.
If the stranger on the inside gets off at the next stop, you are not to assume that this is related to your hygiene, but we do recommend a swift and discrete sniff of your armpit area. It is polite at this stage to shuffle across to the inner seat which will allow another passenger to easily sit down. However, you are allowed to continue sitting on the outside seat, thus discouraging others from pushing past you. However, in these situations, it is wise to turn up the volume on your Ipod and to stare at the floor. Displaying mannerisms that suggest you are slightly mad would also help.
Weird People
Our trams offer easy access with no turnstiles or necessity to buy a ticket in advance. We depend on your goodwill and honesty in this regard, despite years of experience that tells us that neither of these qualities exist.
Unfortunately, this easy access allows the mentally unstable and simply bewildered to avail of our services for free. If you feel nervous about approaching them, imagine how our plain clothed inspectors feel? We are happy to provide this as a social service but we do recognise that it may have a detrimental effect on our paying guests. We recommend the following behaviour in these situations:
If you are sharing a tram with a homeless person who has not availed of a shower for a week or too, it is inappropriate to run to the other end of the tram holding your nose. However you are allowed to raise your eyebrows in the direction of the first person you make eye contact with and we will not consider you a social snob if you get off at the next stop and hail a taxi.
If the weird person insists on talking loudly to nobody in particular (a practice commonly seen on our showcase 96 route), you should bury your head in your newspaper and feign intense concentration, even if you have turned to the business pages. If the weird person directs his conversation directly to you, you should reply in soothing non confrontational tones. Or pretend that you are from Russia. That usually works.
Talking on Trams
We discourage talking on trams, even when travelling with friends or family. Talking disturbs the ambience for other travellers, who prefer to listen to the grinding noise of tram wheels rounding corners, tinny bass sounds coming from nearby personal music players or the robotic announcements about the next stop. These announcements are purely for entertainment purposes as they are rarely accurate.
We do allow talking in limited situations. Friends and family are allowed to say “This is our stop” and strangers are allowed to mutter one sentence to each other. This can be along the lines of “I wish those people in the middle would move down a bit” or “does this tram go down Bourke St”? These statements and questions should be answered with a nod of the head or a simple yes or no. Under no circumstances is it to be taken as the initiation of a conversation.
Even when you find yourself pressed against a member of the opposite sex on one of our many overcrowded trams, this should not be taken as an invite for social interaction. That’s what the internet is for. We offer many opportunities to look over the shoulder of other passengers as they type emails and text messages. This gives you access to much of their personal information and will allow you to contact them in the comfort of your own home.
Fare Evasion
You may wonder why you are the only fool who validates a ticket when you board one of our trams. We can assure you that the other passengers have already validated their ticket on an earlier tram, even when you have boarded the first one out of the depot. In a limited number of cases, they are fare evaders. Well ok, most of them are fare evaders but we don’t like to talk about it. Most Melbournians have worked out that the frequency of ticket inspections is so low that they can travel for months for free before being caught and forced to pay a fine, which on average will mean that they are in profit.
If you are thick skinned enough to withstand the added humiliation our inspectors will try to impose, then this is a lucrative course of action. If you are of a more delicate nature, we recommend buying a ticket for a longer trip. However, if your journey is just for 3 or 4 stops, why not use the time searching in your wallet for cash so that you give the impression that you are at least planning to buy a ticket. Then check that there are no inspectors standing on the platform before you alight. They can usually be spotted by their lack of neck and 70’s clothing.
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