Auskicks is for beginners

Kyle's Dad relocated from Sydney to Melbourne eight years ago, just before Kyle was born. Conscious that his son would need an Australian Rules football team to support in this AFL mad city, Kyle's Dad settled on the Sydney Swans, if only to imbibe his son with a connection to the city of his parents.

As with nearly all kids in Melbourne, Kyle was desperate to join up for Auskicks when he turned five. Sponsored by the AFL, it's a training ground for boys and girls that introduces them to the game and allows them to run around a park on a Saturday morning like headless chickens, while their parents sip lattes on the sidelines and wince at the lack of talent displayed by their offspring.

It was all going well until Sydney won a Friday match against Collingwood. Only one game is played on Friday night and the tradition at Auskicks the next morning is to call up the kids wearing the shirts of Friday's night’s victors to receive the acclaim of all the other kids and to belt out their team's song with gusto. Kyle had received a red and white Sydney shirt the previous Christmas which he wore with pride every Saturday morning. Unfortunately, Sydney are not a popular team in Melbourne and Kyle found himself alone in his swan's shirt in front of what was mainly Collingwood supporters, who were not best pleased at being reminded of their Friday night debacle.

Kyle learned an important lesson that day. It might be cool to support a team from a far off city, but if you're going to carry it off, you'd better remember the words to the team song. Kyle stumbled on the second line, partly from a lack of practice (Sydney weren't winning a lot at the time) but mainly from stage fright brought upon by the angry stares of fifty, feral eight year olds.

Jimmy was an English kid and he had a different problem. His parents had relocated to Melbourne when Jimmy was six, after watching a travel show on BBC that portrayed Australia as a paradise of beaches, BBQs and tanned fit people. Unfortunately, his dad was a city planner and there is not much call for that line of work in the sun kissed parts of Australia. The only job he could get was with the Victorian State Government and he found himself living in a part of the world which looked like his native Manchester, albeit a tad warmer.

By the time the family moved here, Jimmy was already a dab hand at football (or soccer as they call it in Australia) and he found it hard to adapt to a game where you are allowed to use your hands. To onlookers unfamiliar with his background, it seemed that Jimmy had a disability that prevented him from bending down.  Auskicks, like any other sport enjoyed by eight year olds, involves pretty much everyone chasing after the ball. The only exceptions are those slightly introverted kids who are forced into team sports by their parents but who would much prefer to stand in the middle of the pitch and stare at passing clouds.

When the pack of kids would reach the ball, twenty pairs of tiny, delicate hands would reach down to pick it up. Jimmy however, would stand erect and without any care for the fingers in the vicinity, would boot the ball as far as he could. This would draw howls of protest from the watching parents, but an approving nod from the coach who liked the see game flowing. Except on those occasions when Jimmy booted the ball in the wrong direction, which is an occupational hazard in Auskicks, where it often seems as though both teams are kicking in the same direction.

Girls are allowed to take part, at least until they are ten years old when the AFL shuffles them into female only competitions which are ignored by media and the football authorities. Before the reach the ripe old age of ten, they are allowed to muck in with the boys and they are generally successful. Girls tend to develop more quickly than their male counterparts and it’s pretty common to see an eight year old girl burst through a pack of timid boys with pony tail waving furiously behind.

Kyle, Jimmy and all the girls who play Auskicks share one dream. They hold out for the opportunity to play at the MCG. Not as adult professionals but as part of the half time entertainment during an AFL game. Every week, hundreds of Auskick children are dressed up in the uniforms of the teams playing that day and they take part in a ten minute game of football during the interval, watched by their proud and adoring parents and thousands of uninterested supporters. Occasionally the crowd will cheer if a kid in their team’s colours kicks a goal, but only if they are watching at the time. This is rare as most football supporters in Australia spend halftime getting as drunk as possible or in the toilet dealing with the unfortunate by product of getting drunk. Getting a meat pie is also a popular half time activity, if you’re willing to queue with the other 40,000 fans with the same idea.

100,000 kids take part in Auskicks every year and if they don’t go on to be AFL stars, it at least gets them out of the house for a couple of hours every Saturday morning, when they could be at home watching TV or playing video games like eight year olds in the rest of the world. This mass participation is part of the reason why Australians are so good at sport (not that the current Olympic medal would back this up). They get them young and pluck out the ones with talent for hot housing and development. Kyle might go on to become a sprinter or a swimmer. At least in those sports, he won’t be expected to remember any team songs.